Being Obese

Obesity isn't just a chart.

Being obese means you don't fit.  Not into clothes.  Not on rides at the park.  Not into booths at the restaurant.  Not between cars or through turnstiles.  Being obese means you don't fit into a normal life.

Being obese means you are always looking at judging to see if you are too wide or too heavy.  It's dreading the humiliation that comes from being too large or even worse, breaking something.

Being obese is being looked at.  Feeling the eyes of people staring.  It's hearing them joke about you.  It's accepting that the entire world feels free to judge you and everything you do.  It's being afraid of your children being ashamed of you for your size.  It's the sadness of knowing that sometimes they are.

Being obese is never feeling 100% clean.  It's not fitting into tubs and not being able to reach your entire body without assistance.  It's sweating in all the nooks and crannies.  It's using baby powder to keep the skin under your fat rolls from becoming irritated or infected.

Being obese is never seeing yourself.  It's the ability to look into a mirror and see nothing below the neck.  It's hiding from cameras and dreading photos.  It's being convinced that those parts of you that you won't look at are all anyone else can see.

Being obese is seeing people your size and judging them for the faults you find in yourself.  It's looking at the models and actresses in weight loss commercials and being angry at them because you know they've never actually been fat. It's wishing and praying that those diets and gimmicks work the way the ads say they will.  It's secretly believing that maybe they will for you.

Being obese is lying.  It's claiming to have eaten 5 cookie when you ate 7 or 9.  It's hiding food.  It's promising yourself you will start a fitness routine tomorrow - when you know tomorrow is not likely to come.  It's telling your kids you'll be at an event, but backing out.

Being obese is suicide  It's killing yourself one bite at a time.  It's feeling helpless and hopeless.

Being obese is a choice.  There are a millions reasons behind that choice, but there are more to change.

Overcoming obesity is dealing with the issues instead of sedating yourself with food.

Overcoming obesity is hard.  It's changing almost everything about your life.  It's not eating when you are hungry.  It's working out when you are tired.  It's not instant.  It takes months or even years.

Overcoming obesity is accepting that sometimes you will fail for a day or a week or a month. It's having a long term goal, but focussing on this day, or hour or even the next 30 seconds.  It's starting over sometimes it's frequently starting over.

Overcoming obesity is accepting all victories no matter how little and celebrating them.  It's being able to walk a flight of stairs without getting winded.  It's walking a mile, even if it takes an hour.  It's reaching for some fruit instead of ice cream.

Overcoming obesity means accepting that you can do it as readily as you once accepted that you can't.

Overcoming obesity is a choice, and not an easy one.

Overcoming obesity is worth it.

How did I end up here?

I think that's a question every overweight person has asked themselves. Sadly it's also one that non overweight people ask too. Even when they don't say it to you, you can sometimes see the question in their eyes. "how did you get so fat?" It feels like the implication is "Why didn't you stop yourself?" 

It's not an easy question to answer. There are a lot of reasons for overeating. A lot of reasons to not exercise and it doesn't just happen overnight, but you don't always see it coming. First you gain a little and worry. If you're a stress eater that will trigger more eating. The numbers on the scale are stressful, so you don't use it anymore. After a little while you avoid looking down in the mirror, you only concentrate on your face. You start to avoid pictures and in some cases outings with friends and family. I have missed events that I would have liked to attend because I didn't want them to know how big I had gotten. 

It's not like I was able to hide from my body. It was with me, but if I avoided looking at it, then I could avoid dealing with it - for awhile. Clothes in the large sizes help you hide from the truth too. Stretch knits, elastic waists. I still have some clothes that I can wear now - 150lbs away from my highest weight. 

Avoiding situations where I was reminded about my size was also key. If I didn't enter the situation I wouldn't have to acknowledge that I didn't fit. 

Then I started to lose weight. After people started noticing and telling me that I had lost at least 40lbs I decided to get on the scale. Imagine my shock when it read what I had guessed my starting weight to be. I was at least 80lbs heavier than I thought - probably more. When you get that big it sometimes takes a lot of loss for people to notice. 

Avoidance is a powerful temptation. Today I still find myself slipping into those behaviors but I make a conscious effort to overcome them. I look at my whole body every day. Naked. I smile and pose for pictures and I take time to appreciate myself. I have a long way to go, but I am going to get there AND I am going to be satisfied with who I am along the way. 

Inspiring Story from NPR

I loved this story.

http://www.npr.org/2012/10/09/162586325/instead-of-surgery-man-pedals-off-the-pounds

He weighed 570lbs and got on a bike anyway.  I think a lot of obese people avoid bikes more than most forms of exercise. I  know I didn't feel comfortable on one.  He's lost 200lbs so far.  

Wonderful story!

Some photos

I've lost a lot of weight.

And I still have about the same amount to go.

This is me a few years ago

I was pretty much shaped like a beachball with legs.

This is me some time later getting ready to run my first half marathon

The tummy is the last to go - and the biggest - AND when it does go it forms an  annoying apron.

This is me and my youngest getting ready for a 5k

My arms are issues for me too.  I almost didn't wear the shirt because of them but my daughter who is smarter than i told me that I wasn't allowed to be down on my body.

This is me and both girls last year at a 5k

From last spring right before working out

This summer when I decided to dye my hair green

5 minutes ago

I had a rough fall and winter.  Hurt my knee and can't beat the cold weather asthma.  That means I've gained almost 30lbs back.  I had lost 150, so I'm still way ahead of where I started, but I very much want to get back to where I was.

I will.  It just takes diet, exercise and being honest and accountable.  The last two are probably the hardest.  I saw some fitness photo once that said your body keeps a record of what you eat, even when you don't.  Lots of truth to that.  It's easy to be tempted to lie and say I'll have just a little of "xxxxx" but if I don't write it down, sometimes a little becomes a lot.  Especially when it's among my biggest trigger foods.

Ice Cream

Cheese

Whipped Cream

I do better with the last one, but ice cream and cheese are NOT safe in my house.  I'll 'one bite' the entire package out of existence in no time.

So this is me.  I am Stacey Lynn and this is my journey.